A RPG, but with Touhou characters
by Hydrochlorination
Summary: Yukari gets some people together to play a good ol'fashioned tabletop RPG. Hilarity ensues. Remember to leave a review telling me what you think.(Disclaimer: All characters who do not belong to me, do not belong to me.)
1. The Gap Hag's New Scheme

It was a beautiful day in Gensokyo. Kyoko was sweeping, Kanako was scheming, and Suika was drinking. However, none of these characters really matter right now. Instead we'll narrate someone who matters.

|~|Lazy Scene Change|~|

At the Hakurei Shrine, Reimu sat at her koatsu with a frown on her face. Yukari was planning something, she could feel it. She wasn't sure what it could be, however. It couldn't be anything big, not so soon after the most recent incident. There were only two ways to find out what it could be. Either ask the gap hag herself, or find out when the scheme was set in motion. Reimu wasn't happy with either one of these choices. Oh well, it was better to try to find out now so she could prepare herself for the oncoming shenanigans.

"Yukari!"

Hearing a faint zipping sound, Reimu turned around and asked, "Yukari, what are you doing?"

"Why, I don't even get a proper greeting this time." Yukari said, leaning on her gap with her fan covering her mouth. "But, I suppose I could tell you that I was going to visit Eientei today."

Eientei? What business would Yukari have with the Lunarians? Reimu was about to voice her inquiry, but an annoyingly familiar voice called to her from outside.

"Yo, Reimu! I've come to visit you!" Then, as if she hadn't made it obvious enough who was outside, she added, " Ze~!"

Marisa entered the shrine, and saw a shrine maiden and a border youkai.

"Hey Reimu,Yukari. Watcha doing?"

Yukari turned to Marisa and smiled behind her fan.

"Oh hello there Marisa." Yukari said, chuckling internally as her plan started coming together,"You're just the magician I wanted to see today."

Reimu frowned slightly. Whenever Marisa and Yukari got together, nothing good ever happened. Throw in a bloodthirsty phoenix, an immortal princess, and a morally bankrupt doctor, and something insane was bound to happen. Then Reimu realized that she never asked why Yukari was visiting Eientei.

"So, about Eientei, why are you going there?"

"Well, I was going to pay my dear friend from the moon a visit. Would you two like to come with me?"

Both Reimu and Marisa nodded yes. Reimu because she wanted to keep Yukari from doing anything too troublesome that she would have to fix later, and Marisa because she hadn't borrowed anything from there in a while.

"Perfect! I just need to grab one thing and we'll go straight there." Yukari then slid back through her gap and closed it, leaving Reimu and Maria to do whatever.

Reimu looked at Marisa.

"So, do you know what Yukari's planning?"

"Reimu, if there's one thing I've learned after years of knowing her, it's that you never know what Yukari could be planning, da ze~"

|~|sample text|~|

Yukari popped up inside the Scarlet Devil Mansion, in front of two large doors. Yukari opened them, revealing a massive library. Parasol slung over her shoulder, she walked through the maze of bookshelves, trailing her fingers across the spins of hundreds of books. Finally, she reached an open area, where a person with purple everythings sat at a table, reading. The girl dressed in purple looked up at Yukari, then sighed.

"What is it now Yukari?" Patchouli asked, clearly annoyed.

"My, must everyone be so rude today?"

"It's not being rude if it's necessary in order to get a straight answer out of you."

Yukari pouted, before explaining the reason she was here

"Well, I was just wondering if you would like to go on an adventure of grand scale! Exploring new worlds, vanquishing powerful foes, and gaining valuable treasures! To be recognized across all of the lands! To f-" Before Yukari could get any more pumped, Patchouli cut her off.

"Yukari, if you wanted me to play Adventure Dungeon, you could've just asked."

"...So, is that a yes?"

"... Fine."

"Yay!" Yukari dropped Patchouli into a gap, then sank into one herself. This next adventure would be one that would not be forgotten for a long time.


	2. Rules, Roles, and a Really Short Intro

Yukari sat at a long table, a shit-eating grin plastered onto her face.

On her left, there two magicians. One was black and white, and was subtly looking around the room for things to 'borrow'. The other was purple, and was currently engrossed in a german copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.

On her right, a red-white shrine maiden sat next to an immortal princess. Said shrine maiden was staring at the princess curiously, she was bouncing up and down in her seat quietly

Shaking her head, Reimu broke the silence.

"Okay, I'll bite. Why are we here Yukari?"

Yukari's grin somehow grew even wider, as she pulled out a box from under the table, and placed on the table for everyone to see. Words on the box read "Adventure Dungeon, 12.8th Edition"

As Kaguya's bouncing intensified, Marisa read the words aloud.

"Adventure dungeon? What the hell is that ze~?"

Patchouli decided to be the one to educate the two protagonists about the game.

Adventure dungeon is your standard pen & paper RPG, where a person could get to create their own character to go and do things in a made-up world. The characters themselves have different races and classes. For example, one might be an elven sorceress or a human monk. Each character has different stats that they can customize. These stats include speed, strength, and IQ, among other things. Stats can also be upgraded upon levelling up, which is achieved by gaining exp for doing things. Each action a player takes is either determined by roleplaying or by rolling several different dice, each with their own number of sides.

As Patchouli explained the basics to Reimu and Marisa, Yukari went to work setting up the main components of the game. She handed out rulebooks to the four players, as well as character sheets, where the details of the character were written down. After this, she set up her DM stand, and pulled out a large stack of notes for the upcoming adventure. If all went well, this adventure would be a long one.

|~|L-L-Later|~|

"Is everybody ready?"

Yukari knew that everyone was ready. Marisa was sitting with a smug look on her face, Patchouli was slightly less focused on her book, Kaguya continued to bounce in her seat, and Reimu was interested to see how this would end up. Each of them had their completed character sheets in front of them, just waiting for them to be brought to life.

"Good, now allow let me to begin."

|~|Exposition Start|~|

Welcome to the land of Sparta. This is a land of magic, might, and monsters. You are a party of adventurers, looking for treasures to find, monsters to fight, civilians to save, and trouble to get into.

Walking along a trail, you catch sight of a red dragon breathing flames upon the small town of Cheesequake in the distance. Your thief turns to the rest of the party and grins. This oughta be fun.


	3. The Troublesome Tutorial Boss

A thief dressed in a white tunic, a black jacket, and black pants, and a priestess wearing an armpit-less shrine maiden outfit sauntered into the small town of Cheesequake, which was currently on fire due to the 10 foot (Or a bit over 3 meters for you non-americans) tall dragon, which had gleaming red scales covering its entire body. It was truly a sight to behold as the dragon opened its mouth and breathed flames onto a stone shack, which was still standing.

"Silly dragon! Stone isn't flammable" Marisa called out to the beast, which turned it's attention to the small party. Reimu bonked Marisa on the head with her purification staff.

"Idiot! We were supposed to sneak up on it! Remember the plan?"

"Sorry, da ze~" Marisa said, rubbing her head. "It's just that sneak attacking has never been my thing…"

"Never been your-Marisa you're a thief! Stealth is your entire gimmick!"

The dragon snorted and started towards Marisa and Reimu, before a boulder crashed into its flank, followed by a couple of arrows. The dragon, now outraged, turned back to the roof of the stone house, where Patchouli, playing the part of a ghostly wizard, and Kaguya, playing as an elven marksman had appeared. Patchouli's outfit didn't change at all, while Kaguya had a smaller skirt on, this one not nearly as poofy and only reaching down a bit past her knees.

It gave out a loud roar, signaling the beginning of a fight.

(music)~Boss Theme-Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga

 _Young Dragon is enraged!_

 _Young Dragon used Ignite_

The dragon, eager to get rid of the annoyances blew a short stream of fire at Patchouli, but the ghost dressed in purple easily floated out of the way. Reimu, taking advantage of the Dragon's distracted state, pulled out a baseball-sized Hakurei orb. She hit it with her staff, rocketing it towards the oversized lizard.

*tink*

*onomatopoeia for glass breaking*

Only to have it glance off the dragon's scales and break a nearby window.

|~|Scene Break, Da Ze~|~|

Reimu sat fuming at the dice she just rolled. A one sat on the top of the 20-sided die. It looked her straight in the eye and laughed in her face. She had rolled a one on her first attack roll of the game! As Reimu struggled to control herself amongst the laughter of Kaguya, Marisa, and Yukari, Patchouli thought about the best spell to use, as it was her turn.

|~|Back to your regularly scheduled Touhou|~|

When faced with a red colored, fire breathing enemy, most magicians would immediately start flooding the area with water spells. Dragons, however, were resistant to water magic. Due to its fire magic having a part of its being though, water magic would have effectively unmodified power. Rock magic, on the other hand, wouldn't be impeded by the 's resistances, but would be super effective against its fiery nature. As such, from the stone rooftop, Patchouli materialized a boulder over the .

 _Patchouli used Rock Throw_

When it fell, it pushed the beast to the floor and dealt 8 damage.

Back on ground level, Marisa saw the reptile get trapped trapped under the rock and grinned. "Thanks for the assist Patchy! Now, what's in these 'pockets' of yours Mr. Dragon..." As Marisa ran over to the dragon, it looked offended, almost as if it didn't like its gender being assumed.

 _Marisa used PickPocket_

Upon reaching the beast, Marisa dug her hands into a magical pocket next to the dragon. Out of it, she pulled 1000GP, and 5 red scales.

Up on the rooftop, Kaguya raised her crossbow. Instead of firing it however, she used her turn to charge it with elven magic. A 2 attack bonus to ranged weapons was always welcome.

The dragon struggled, and managed throw the boulder off of its back, and towards Reimu. It clipped her shoulder, dealing 2 damage. Reimu winced, but pulled out another Hakurei Orb, hoping that she would roll higher than a one this time around. Her prayers were answered, as the orb crashed into the beast with a meaty thwap, dishing out 4 damage. Marisa took this time to slash the dragon's underbelly with her silver dagger.

The dragon roared out in pain, which proved to be a problem, as a bolt found its way from Kaguya's crossbow into the beast's maw for 11 damage. The dragon fell to the ground, narrowly missing Marisa, but still conscious, albeit barely. Reimu readied her dogwood purification staff and walked over to the dragon's head.

"I Guess the _scales_ weren't tipped in your favor."

She brought the staff upon the young dragon's head, killing it.

 _You Win!_

 _-Gained 5000 GP_

 _-Gained 300 experience points._

 _-Gained 25 Red scales_

Reimu then looked at the dead dragon. "So we killed the thing, now what are supposed to do with it?"

Both Kaguya and Marisa answered at the same time, "We sell it, obviously." Kaguya continued "Don't you know how much dragonhide sells for?"

Reimu sighed, "Alright, fine. How are we going to carry it though?"

Patchouli floated down from the building, followed by Kaguya. "I'm sure you and Marisa can handle it, Me and Kaguya will comb the village for survivors. Starting with this shack right here."

Reimu and Marisa stared blankly at the corpse in front of them. This task would drag on forever without the other two's help. Sighing, Reimu lifted up the tail, while Marisa moved over to the tail


	4. The Most Original Chapter Name to Exist

"So Kaguya, how large was that dragon we killed again?"

"About ten feet."

"So then you can explain to me why we only got 5000 GP for it?"

Reimu, along with the rest of the party, walked out of the shop and into the town square of Climax, a bustling city full of people going about their daily lives. After carrying the dead dragon so far, Reimu thought that the skin would be at _least_ 10000 GP. apparently, the economy said otherwise. When the elf shrugged her shoulders, Patchouli decided to explain.

"Reimu, the dragon that we just killed had just reached adulthood, so the scales aren't as hard as an older dragon. As such, they are less useful, and therefore less valuable."

As Reimu grumbled to herself, Marisa patted her on the back

"Cheer up Reimu, At least we got money fr-hmm? What's that?"

As our heroes walked through the town square, they saw a large crowd gathered around a stage set against a building. On it, two warriors, one red, the other blue, were dukeing it out with colored lances, painted red and blue. Guess which warrior had which lance. Anyhow, the red lancer appeared to gaining the upper hand, with swift, furious strikes, leaving almost no openings. However, almost no openings is not the same as no openings, and the blue lancer blocked an overhead swing and followed up with a series of swings that knocked the lance out of the red warrior's hands. At this, the crowed cheered. Both combatants bowed, then walked off of the back of the stage.

Reimu whistled in amazement, and turned to the other girls. To her surprise, only Patchouli was there, reading a book about supernatural creatures. Patchouli momentarily looked up and pointed towards the side of the stage. As she looked to where he ghost was pointing, she groaned. Marisa was attempting to bamboozle herself backstage past a locked door while Kaguya chatted it up with the guard. Surprisingly, Marisa managed to get inside without being seen. Reimu approached Kaguya, who turned to her and waved.

"Hey Reimu! I was looking for you earlier. Where'd you go?"

"What do you mean, where'd I go, you were the one who ran off on me," Reimu replied, "Now come on, Patchouli's waiting for us." With that Reimu walked away from the guarded door, Kaguya following kinda close behind but not really.

Inside the building, Marisa was having a field day. The backstage area was filled to the brim with people only focused on their destination, as well as various props and values lying around left and right. The best part about it was that _everyone_ was distracted. Nobody paid attention to if a hand brushed against their pockets, or if a gold pocket watch went missing off of a table. As Marisa went around stealing people's items of value, her eyes landed on a large golden clock on the wall. Marisa took one look at it, and immediately made her way over there. She stared at the clock, and tried to formulate a plan.

"Aw fuck it."

Marisa jumped up and grabbed the large time-piece, then bolted towards the door, pushing everyone out her way.

"Watch it!"

"Oof!"

"Hey! Stop!"

Laughing maniacally, Marisa ran up and jumped out a window, and started looking for a place to store her loot.

|~|Meanwhile|~|

"And that's why I hate mechanical worms," the person finished. Reimu, Patchouli, and Kaguya were waiting for Marisa, when a guy in green armor came up to them and started rambling about his hometown, which apparently had an infestation of monsters, including large eyeballs and giant worms. "Also, have I told you about just how _Hard_ Skele- Oh! Well hello there."

Kaguya turned around to see what the guy was talking about, only to get a face full of Marisa, who cheerfully greeted the gang.

Patchouli briefly looked up from her book at Marisa.

"How much?"

"Why don't you come see for yourself?"

With that, Marisa started to jog down a nearby alleyway. Everybody else followed behind with varying degrees of confusion. Even the guy with the green armor came with the group, vaguely curious as to what was going on.


	5. Minor Plot Development

Marisa led the four others into a brick alleyway.

"It's empty," Reimu said, noting the distinct lack of gold, large jewels, or anything shiny. Marisa just smiled.

"Well, watch this, ze~," Marisa replied, placing her hand on a slightly discolored brick. In doing so, the wall opened up, revealing a small room that contained a pile of gold,assorted jewelry and multi-colored potions. The rest of the party, save for Patchouli, were visibly impressed. The last person, who shall be dubbed as 'Green armor guy', realized that _maybe_ he shouldn't be seeing this, and quietly edged his way back into the alleyway. While Kaguya started filling up the community money bag, Reimu asked the all important question:

"So, how much?"

"Well, considering the fact that we're probably not going to be able to sell the gems and stuff here, It's only about 7,000 GP," Marisa replied.

"It's 6,637," Kaguya said, having successfully put the money in the bag,"And I think that when we sell the other shiny things, we could get around 20,000 more."

Marisa grinned at the prospect of having 30,000 GP to her name. Reimu, however, had a different matter on her mind, "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get something to eat!"

With a collective 'rah!', except for Patchouli, the heroes cleared the room, letting it close itself back up after everyone left.

|~|The Cheap Shot, 8:35 PM|~|

The party sat at bar stools next to each other, each drinking a mug of root beer. They had decided to be as conservative with their money as possible, considering how little money early game monsters tended to drop. While Marisa, Patchouli and Reimu quietly sipped their drinks, Kaguya attempted to weasel information out of the shiny-headed bartender.

"So, this 'spooky' cave is just south of here?"

The bartender nodded.

"Anything that a fine lady like me should watch out for, hmm?"

"Monsters."

"What kind of monsters?"

"Dangerous ones."

Key word being attempted. Eventually, Kaguya gave up on her hopes of getting the bartender to talk. Across the bar, a drunk guy took this opportunity to sit next to Reimu, who was on the end of the party.

"Hey baby, how's it going?"

Reimu recoiled at his breath, but ignored him

"Oh _I_ see how it is. Playing hard to get, huh? I guess I'll just have to be a bit more aggressive then."

The drunk guy moved his hands towards Reimu's chest, but before he got very far, a staff hit him on the back of his head

"No."

The drunk's face contorted into one of anger, and he grabbed an empty bottle off the counter and smashed it.

"You wanna piece of me?!"

The party stood up, and assumed battle positions, while the bartender got back.

(music)~Enemy Approaching-Undertale

 _Drunk Guy is enraged_

Reimu smacked the drunk again with her staff, and he got knocked back a bit. Patchouli calmly floated up to the drunk guy, and slammed the book into his face. Drunk guy tried to hit Patchouli with the bottle he was carrying, but it simply passed through her. The amount of power he put into his strike, however, caused him to fall off balance. Marisa then went behind him and stuck her hand into his pocket.

 _Marisa used PickPocket_

 _Got 10 GP_

Kaguya walked up to the drunk guy, and punched him in the face, knocking him out.

 _Drunk Guy has fainted_

 _Got 50 GP_

 _Got 100 EXP_

After quietly finishing their root beers and paying the bartender, the group exited the building. Once outside, however, Marisa smiled

"Did you see that? He was all like 'rah' and Reimu was like 'you suck' and Patchouli went like ' bonk' then he was li-"

Patchouli cut her off

"Yes Marisa, we saw that. We were all there. Please be quiet so we can find someplace to stay the night in peace."

The rest of the party nodded in agreement as they walked through the night-time streets, searching for an inn.


	6. The not-so-fiery Fields of Pain

Reimu walked down the steps of the inn into the main room, feeling refreshed from a good night's sleep. The rest of her party were already awake and eating a complimentary breakfast with the other patrons. Marisa seemed to be in the middle of a story, drawing the attention of everyone around her.

"...so as to not disappoint her, I hugged her daughter from behind while whispering phrases like 'Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.,' and 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drown,' while she begged me not to stop."

Reimu blinked at the absurdity of the sentence, but Marisa continued on.

"As such, I was able to keep the girl from freezing by hugging her and making her laugh with bad advice," Marisa nodded, looking quite pleased with herself. Then, she noticed Reimu.

"Oh, Reimu! There you are! You ready to go yet?"

"I guess so. I'm going to get something to eat first."

"Ah, okay then. Hurry up though, ze~."

Reimu quickly ate, then left the inn alongside her comrades. Kaguya pointed to a pink spot on a map of the region that she had gotten that morning.

"So, here is the 'spooky' dungeon that's been unnerving the locals. It's south-west of here, and not to far either, so we should be able to make it there and back within the day."

"Why is it pink, ze~? Isn't it supposed to be scary?"

"How would I know? I didn't make it."

Marisa frowned, but stayed silent.

Finally, they made it past the south gate, and into the big green grassy field. These were called the Fields of Pain. Upon hearing the name of the area, Reimu frowned.

"Why are they called the Fields of Pai- Ow."

While she was talking, a green orb smacked her in the side of the head. Whipping her head towards the direction it came from, she saw a fairy in a green dress and a walking plant with a green cannon for a head coming towards her, the fairy giggling.

 _Nature Fairy and Pea Shooter attack!_

(music)~Battle Against a Weak Opponent - EarthBound

Reimu rubbed the side of her face as she angrily shook her stick at the opposing duo.

"Hey! Do you know who I am? You better leave now, while you still can!"

 _Reimu made a threat!_

 _But nothing happened!_

The fairy giggled a bit more, but the pea shooter hesitated. He was then incinerated by a fireball, the embers of which burnt the fairy a bit for 3 damage.

 _Patchouli used Fireball_

The fairy stopped giggling, and went to ram into Marisa, who was the closest one. The thief tried to hop out of the way, only for her side to get hit by the fairy's shoulder.

"Oof."

Marisa then retaliated with a slash to the back from her dagger, dealing 4 fairy fell onto the ground, as an arrow flew into it. Kaguya's arrow caused the fairy to dissipate into magic particles, as they floated away in the soft breeze.

 _You Win!_

 _-Gained 520 GP_

 _-Gained 35 exp_

Marisa grinned.

"Well. I guess _that's_ why it's called the Fields of Pain, ze~."

Reimu sighed. This was going to be a long day. Soon however, more foes crossed their path

Slippery Slime and Pea Shooter attack!

(music)~the same as before

The pea shooter rooted itself near the party, while the slime hopped close. Reimu glared at the plant, trying to make sure it wouldn't shoot her again, as she pulled out another yin yang orb. Hitting it with her staff, it flew towards the pea shooter, dealing 7 damage.

Patchouli used Fireball!

A ball of fire flew into the slime, killing it instantly. Leftover embers burned up the rest of the pea shooter

You Win!

-Gained 120 GP

-Gained 25 exp

-Gained 4 Gel

As Reimu picked up a plastic bag with some gel in it, Marisa turned and started marching forward.

"Hurry Up! This dungeon won't un-spook itself! Now onwards! TO VICTORY!"

Patchouli looked blankly at the thief.

"You're going the wrong way."

Marisa turned towards the dungeon.

"TO VICTORY!"

Reimu shook her head as Kaguya tittered. Yep, definitely a long day.


End file.
